


the cowardly, the faithless

by milfbyers



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/F, Post-Season/Series 01, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milfbyers/pseuds/milfbyers
Summary: 'if one turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination.'/karen has been praying for joyce but joyce is the furthest from god that hawkins had ever seen.
Relationships: Joyce Byers & Karen Wheeler
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	the cowardly, the faithless

the room is thick with silence. joyce was scared that if she let the noise of her lighter into the room, karen wheeler might shatter right in front of her. but, she lifted the cigarette and her thumb flicked the sparkwheel into motion anyways.

it was tuesday. tuesday was their day. in an attempt to rekindle their ‘friendship’, karen would drop by the third day of every week at 11 on the dot with a red lipstick smile and maybe a cup of coffee for joyce if she was feeling especially nice.

today was one of those tuesdays. the cup of coffee had gone cold by now but the act of kindness made joyce suspicious. karen had something to say, something to get off of her chest. she could see it in the twitch of her mouth like she was waiting for the right moment that would never come. joyce lifted the cold cup to her lips and made herself drink it. by the time her cigarette had made its way back home in between her lips, karen had confessed her secret.

“i’ve been praying for you, joyce.” the words are heavy and full of sympathy, something joyce never wanted to know that people felt for her. she didn’t want anyone to feel bad for her, especially not bad enough that they think only a higher power could rescue her. joyce sat in silence. she lifted a shaking hand to her mouth and indulged in another bad habit of picking at the skin of her lip. “you- you’ve been doing what?” her voice gave away every ounce of resentment she was feeling. the question came out as a growl, it was low and sharp.

karen half smiled, ignoring the fire in joyce’s eyes, and tried to reach for her hands but joyce pulled away. “i’ve been praying, joyce- i’ve been worried… about you, about the boys.” joyce rolled her eyes and the noise that left her mouth was somewhere between a laugh and sob, “we don’t- i don’t need saving, karen. i am not.. i am not lost.” the end of her sentence took more than the bravery she had left to lie about and the two of them knew it. because she is lost and she is alone but joyce will not accept a pity prayer. or any prayer at all for that matter.

karen sat back in her seat and straightened her shoulders. before she responded, she held her hand out in question. joyce understood and pulled at her pack of cigarettes to place one in karen’s palm. despite the betrayal karen had confessed, joyce still had a soft spot for her. one that failed to go away even after all these years.

joyce sat still in her seat and carefully watched karen light the cigarette, inhale and blow the smoke out of her mouth. “i don’t do it out of pity, joyce” she whispered. joyce shook her head, “they all say that. you more than anyone would know that.” joyce turned her body away from the woman across from her. she wrapped her arms around herself in desperate need of protection.

she thought back to her efforts of prayer. the ones for her family. the ones for her marriage. she remembered her whispered prayers in the dead of the night. she begged for lonnie to prove the promises he made when he said “i do”. she prayed every night for god to save their marriage, to make her better so that lonnie would touch her again. she prayed for her husband’s words of affection instead of his screams and fits of rage that left broken glass and bruises along her arms.

joyce remembered her prayers she screamed when will was gone. when she was alone in the house, surrounded by lights and the black paint was dripping down the wall. her voice would go hoarse from the pleading to the man who never answered. out of everything she had done, praying to god was the one that made her feel most crazy. she knew god was never listening. not to someone like her, someone so unrighteous.

she remembered every prayer in between that week and now. her desperate pleading for god to save will from the monster she couldn’t get out of him herself. she remembered the ones she made for herself with regret. she was fearful of becoming a monster all on her own because of the guilt, the shame and the hatred she felt for herself was suffocating. she needed to be saved by someone who couldn’t look at her with pity and answer in the tone of voice that sounded too close to sympathy that it made her skin crawl. joyce felt humiliated for believing anyone would be able to pull her out from below the water. now, she was accepting the fact that she would never see the surface again.

heaven and hell were just words to joyce. they held no power over her. she felt no fear of what was to happen to her after she passed. at age seventeen, karen’s father yelled threats of hell and burning on sunday mornings with no knowledge of the fact that his daughter was whispering god’s name while joyce’s hand was in between her legs after service. she wasn’t scared then. eternal damnation was nothing to her when karen’s mouth was pressed against her own. that was the closest to heaven she would ever get to. at age twenty one, lonnie dragged her to church, growling in her ear for her to sit up straight and untuck the hidden cross from the inside of her dress. if she wanted to be lonnie’s wife, she was going to behave. at that time, hell had become not a place, but a person and he was sitting right next to her wearing the wedding ring that partnered her own.

now as joyce sat at her kitchen table she realized hell was all around her. the name had just changed to hawkins instead. fear leaked into every corner and shadow of her hometown and she was terrified that she was the devil that sat on the throne.

joyce was pulled from her thoughts when karen attempted to reach for her hand again. she shifted in her seat at the kind touch. this time, joyce let karen hold them. she traced circles on the back of joyce’s hand with her thumb before going, “i can stop, if you want. i just- i miss you. and i want you to be okay.”

there it was. the real confession the two of them had been dancing around every tuesday. the acknowledgment of the grief they feel for the loss of their relationship, the loss of their friendship. joyce squeezed karen’s hand to let her know she accepted the apology that lingered unspoken between them. for the prayers and for the mistakes that led up to the need of god in their relationship when he was never invited in before. for joyce, heaven was taking it's turn to become a person, too, and the person in question was smiling when joyce said, “i miss you, too, karen.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to kim (@murraybaumanpi on twitter) for sending me a picture of the quote "and so i pray for you. whenever this heart of mine misses you. i pray for you. because that's all i can do" because i've been thinking about it nonstop for 24 hours and so this came out of it.  
> you can find me on @milfbyers on twitter and milf-byers on tumblr for more!


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